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Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Kanye Is The Worst Ex-Boyfriend

Comedian Brydie Lee-Kennedy has never gone out with Kanye West, never met Kanye West but still regards him as her worst ex-boyfriend. In fact, Brydie argues, that he's really everyone's worst ex-boyfriend. 
I enjoy Kanye West. I enjoy him as a producer. I enjoy him as a rapper (though it should be noted that the best verse on any of his songs is actually performed by Nicki Minaj- this is objective fact, don’t @ me). I enjoy him as an often baffling but always interesting figure in global fashion. I also enjoy him as an unlikely reality TV star, as
his periodic appearances on Keeping Up With The Kardashians are filled with unintentional comedy. I even enjoy him as a dad but mostly because those kids are so damn cute.

But I do not enjoy him as an ex-boyfriend. Kanye is my worst ex-boyfriend.

To clarify, Kanye West is not technically my ex-boyfriend. In fact, while we’re being technical about it, I’ve never actually met him. He has no idea I exist, as far as I know (though I can’t say for sure that’s the case, I don’t know what his reading habits are like). The closest we’ve ever come to interacting is when a friend Snapchatted me footage of him performing Power at a music festival, and it’s just occurred to me that maybe that’s illegal so ignore that last bit.

So, no, we’ve not dated. But Kanye West is Amber Rose’s ex-boyfriend and the way he treats her reminds me palpably of my worst exs that I and many of my female friends have had. In fact, a correction: Kanye is not just my worst ex-boyfriend. He is our worst ex-boyfriend. Pull up a chair ladies. Let’s chat.

Amber Rose and Kanye dated from 2008-2010 which I think we can all agree was freakin’ ages ago. Since then, both of them have married other people and had children with those other people. Amber Rose has written a book, released her own fashion line, hosted Slut Walk LA and just generally been completely charming and entertaining. Kanye has...well, look, you know what Kanye’s done. They’ve both been busy since the breakup, is what I’m saying.

And yet...Kanye just cannot shut the hell up about Amber Rose. Unless you’ve been under a really solid rock that doesn’t have wifi, you’ll be aware that last week, Kanye went on a Twitter rant at fellow rapper Wiz Khalifa. He’s since deleted the Tweets but you can find them with some very basic Googling because (sings) screenshots are forevaaaaaaah.

The argument started out focused on music which is all well and good- I’m sure if there had been Twitter in the 70s Lennon and McCartney would’ve gotten proper salty on there. But then, as so often happens with Kanye, he went off topic. And when wandering into other insult territory, he ended up exactly where he’s found himself many times before: being an absolute douche about his ex-girlfriend (and women generally- you’ve heard Gold Digger right?).

See, Rose and Khalifa were married until late 2014 and, in Kanye’s mind, that gave him the right to claim that Khalifa “let a stripper trap” him (Rose was working as a stripper when she and Kanye met, a job she says she loved and at which she was, by all accounts, very good). He also insinuated that Khalifa resented having a child with Rose, saying “I know you mad every time you look at your child that this girl got you for 18 years”. He followed up by claiming “I own your child!!!!”, a rare statement that’s actually bonkers enough to deserve four exclamation marks.
Kayne Tweets

Kanye, mate. You have to move on. Because this isn’t an isolated incident- you talk about her way more than is cool given how long ago you broke up. Like, last year? When you said you had to “take 30 showers” after sleeping with Amber Rose before your wife Kim Kardashian would touch you? Did no one take you aside and explain, over a beer, that they’re worried about your obsession with your ex’s sex life? Are none of your friends willing to step up and tell you that, not only is slut-shaming not a chill thing to do, but it also seems kind of hypocritical when you are married to a woman who has her own very public sexual history?

If you really have no one in your life, Kanye, telling you this stuff, then here, allow me: you need to back the hell off and not bring up Amber Rose again because you are being the worstex-boyfriend. Of course, Rose got her own back on this occasion by tweeting that you just miss engaging in anal play with her, a claim which you then felt compelled to deny out of what I can only assume was a burst of gay panic (please consider purchasing my T-Shirts that read “Butt Stuff Is For Everyone”- the artwork is truly stunning). But, Kanye, she only did that because you cannot, 6 years after your relationship ended, leave well enough alone.

In the past, you probably would have got away with this. A dude criticising a woman’s sexual history while behaving exactly how he pleased? Pretty standard stuff. And something that all our worst ex-boyfriends have done. But Amber Rose lives very much in the now and in the now? Your ex-girlfriends are going to talk back.

So, Kanye, if you’re fighting with a guy, just fight with that guy! You’re pretty good with words, I’m sure you can find some good zingers without resorting to tedious misogyny. Please be a better ex-boyfriend to all of us who’ve had our sex lives called into question by men who were happy to reap the benefits of it when they were the ones we were sleeping with. Because Kanye, let’s be real here: if you think strippers are so gross and you consider getting “trapped” by one is an insult? You probably shouldn’t have dated one.

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